


who we want to be (with)

by heroedrey



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: (not a lot just a bit just mentions of it/ past dysphoria), Beard Kink, Gender Dysphoria, M/M, Multiple Orgasms, Oral Sex, Penis In Vagina Sex, Pre-Infinity War, Trans Bucky Barnes, ftm bucky barnes, they fuck idk what else to say
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-01
Updated: 2017-12-01
Packaged: 2019-02-09 06:27:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12882078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heroedrey/pseuds/heroedrey
Summary: bucky wakes up from cryo in wakanda and steve grew a dramatic outlaw beard and bucky thinks it's really hot(or: this is recurring motif in their long, endless lives, and maybe now they're finally in the best place to be with each other)





	who we want to be (with)

**Author's Note:**

> okay so this is completely unedited sorry about any mistakes & i have no idea where this even came from  
> second, bucky barnes is a transguy, i don't make the rules, and i'm like... trans too but pre-everything, & so that's why there's like no reference to actual names for his genitals, so that's just... how life is sometimes.  
> it's basically them fucking with the slightest reference to plot aka how i think steve is doing these days.  
> 

It’s the little grunt Steve makes when he shifts in his place on the couch, trying to find a more comfortable position to read in. Bucky knows that he makes that kind of sound in bed and everything floods south. Bucky’s just _trying to live his life._ His left hand comes down, hits the counter open palm, maybe a little harder than he meant to, and Steve startles, jerking around and half falling off of the couch.

“Are you okay?”

“I swear to _fucking god_ , Steve.” Steve looks confused, and a little worried, but Bucky can’t focus on anything but the burning, boiling feeling in his crotch. “If you do _not_ fuck me _right now_ , I will murder you. I will literally kill you.”

“What?” Steve’s setting his book down on the coffee table.

“You heard me.” Bucky’s staring him down; they haven’t fucked, haven’t done much more, since Bucky got unfrozen again, than a little bit of making out on movie night with Sam & Clint (sometimes T’Challa), and he’s _over it_ . He wakes up and Steve’s got a beard and maybe it’s half jealousy and half _holy shit he looks good._ “You better get over here.”

“Yes _sir._ ” Steve says and it’s just mocking him, no weird power dynamics; Bucky can’t handle it. Steve does a mock salute but it looks odd in his casual clothes, with his beard and messy hair. He’s up on his feet, and Bucky’s already lost his steady breathing as Steve’s crowding him up against the refrigerator.

Bucky’s been rubbing one off almost _every night_ because of that stupid beard and because Steve’s been training more and keeps coming home sweaty and he swears that his voice stays deeper when he doesn’t have to put on the Captain America voice, which rings out clear on a battlefield.

Also, to those muffled sounds Steve makes when he jerks off in the bathroom when he thinks Bucky’s sleeping.  (Bucky hardly ever sleeps, so Steve’s wrong to think Bucky’s asleep when he does that.)

“Why haven’t we done this, for fuck’s sake, Steve. Why?” He can feel all the heat from Steve’s body, see all the different colors in his beard.

“Thought you didn’t want to --” Steve rumbles, “Thought you weren’t ready.” Bucky’s dragging a hand up Steve’s jawline, hand rubbing rough against the beard, and tangles deep in the messiness of Steve’s hair. 

“You were fucking wrong.” Sue _him_ , he swears even more when he’s this fucking turned on. 

“You cut your hair again.” Steve says, and _yeah_ , Bucky had. Like three days ago. It was ragged around his ears and looked like shit, but he felt weird with the length his hair had become, too reminiscent of -- ( _Before_ . _And HYDRA._ )

“I like it better like this.” Bucky replies.

“I like it.” Steve answers. And Bucky’s dragging his head down, kissing him had and Steve’s beard pricks at his own skin, just the beginnings of a beard there. (It’s always just the beginnings, but he’s not thinking about _that_. Steve doesn’t give a shit.) Steve’s pressing up more against him, shifting without breaking the kiss, and shoving a thigh between Bucky’s legs. Bucky arcs up off the cold fridge door and lets himself rut against Steve’s thigh just for a second, before Steve’s pulling back, smirking.

“Want you so bad, Stevie.” Bucky’s willing to beg for this. He entire body is flooded with just _Steve, Steve, Steve_. “Want you to make me cum ‘til I can’t breathe -- ‘til I can’t even think.” Steve groans loud with this, his own hips jerk against Bucky and Bucky has the decency to grin wickedly at Steve.

“So hot for me, fuck.” Steve’s kissing him again, one hand grabbing hard at his hip and every time Steve does something like that he can feel just how _big_ Steve is now. (He still feels like it was three days ago that Steve was a scrawny kid and now he’s fucking _ripped_ and now he’s got this stupid mysterious persona. Bucky thought he was supposed to be the mysterious, elusive one. How dare Steve steal his brand.)

“You going to fuck me? Or are we just neckin’ out here all night.” Bucky teases as soon as he can get his breath, breaking away. Steve shifts his hand, and he’s cupping Bucky’s crotch over jeans, moving his thigh a little away, and Bucky can’t help bucking into it, trying to get Steve’s fingers to go where they’ll give him some jolt of pleasure.

“So _greedy_.”

“I didn’t get _nothing_ for seventy years, let a fella be.” He bites out and Steve’s laughing deep in his chest. “Bed; I’m not dealing with Wilson walking in on us -- he’ll never let it go.” He just about _dies_ when Steve’s voice drops inexplicably lower, and he’s staring dead in Bucky’s eyes as he speaks, his voice slurring together a little more than normal,

“Y’don’t want him t’walk in just as you’re cumming? Seein’ you go right over the edge?” _Okay_ , maybe Bucky could want that later. “My hand down your jeans, him hearin’ all those nice little sounds you make?” Bucky thought _he_ was topping. Whatever.

“‘Kay, maybe.” Bucky admits, his hips jerking against Steve’s hand in a desperate attempt. “But right now just want _you_ , _please_.” Steve’s grabbing him by his shirt collar, kissing him and dragging him backward at the same time, toward the bedroom, and they’re stumbling. Bucky almost falls over a table, Steve knocks a lamp over, and both of them nearly fall over a chair, grabbing at each other to stay up and breaking the kiss.

Bucky’s laughing, but the want boiling in his crotch doesn’t go away.

He’s falling backward onto the bed, bouncing a little on the soft mattress before Steve’s crawling over him, kissing him hard, and his hand is sliding inside Bucky’s jeans, under the waistband of his boxers and rubbing his fingers along Bucky. Bucky’s jerking up into his hand, gasping into Steve’s mouth.

“That good? How do you feel?” Steve always does this, always wants to make sure he’s okay with what he’s doing and while Bucky appreciates it, he also just wants to get fucked ‘til he can’t think. It’s so in contrast to the ruggedness that Steve portrays with his new look.

“So good, so -- _ahhh, fuck_ .” Steve’s fingers are rolling around, just right, and Bucky’s forcing more friction, more jolts through his body and Steve’s still bent over a bit so he can reach inside Bucky’s jeans right, but he no longer has his hand beside Bucky’s head, instead he’s running his fingers over Bucky’s nipples, and hoping that they’re sensitive this time (the fucking _are_ ), and even with Bucky’s shirt in between, Bucky’s gasping frantically with both overwhelming sensations.

And he’s cumming so fast he barely sees it, forcing his body tense and then he’s jerking against Steve’s hand to ride all the aftershocks he can, and Steve give him just a second to calm down, moves his hand away for just enough time to force his jeans down around his thighs, and Bucky’s still gasping as Steve is rolling his fingers around again and he’s breathing in with a sharp gasp,

“Stevie, fuck, can’t -- fuck, fuck.” He’s overly sensitive, every touch of Steve’s is like a jolt of lightning through his entire body.

“So hot, Buck, look at you, all flushed out.” Bucky jerks against Steve’s hand again, and Steve’s shifting, his palm resting hard against Bucky, and he can rut against the bare skin at his own pace. He does and it’s slow and meaningful.

“You’re driving me insane with that beard, I can’t -- Can’t go a single day without getting off -- thinkin’ about it.” Bucky’s saying, all peppered with little gasps and Steve’s fingers moving some way or another that makes the pleasure stronger.

“Oh, god.” Steve’s groaning, and he’s hard against Bucky’s thigh, still inside his jeans, and half of Bucky wants to let him breathe, get it out of his jeans, and the other half wants to be mean and see if he’ll come in his pants.

“You feelin’ a little uncomfortable there, Cap?” Steve’s eyes are dark, and Bucky notices the little jerk against his thigh when he teases _Cap_ in the air. “Bet you’d look real pretty sitting over off to the side, tryin’ not t’come in your pants while I sit over here and happily get m’self off. All flushed and straining --” He’s still rutting against Steve’s hand, a little faster now, and Steve’s voice is low, and it’s straight to his crotch,

“You want to show off for me? Y’like that? Let me see all those things you do when you’re gettin’ off by yourself? Open yourself up for me? Love watching you cum.” He literally _just came_ , but he’s aching for more, _more_ , and, well, that’s probably the only plus with his anatomy. He _can_.

Steve’s palm drifts away, and his knuckles press against Bucky’s opening, just pressing, and not going in, but he’s still bucking against any sensation, and he’s able to move his hips enough to get more sensitivity, more of those fucking amazing jolts of pleasure --

Steve bends down, bites at his neck, sucks at his neck, and he finds _one spot_ that just does it and Bucky’s letting out a drawn out and too-high _“Ahhhhh!_ ” as he cums again, desperately arcing up against Steve. His eyes unfocus for a moment, before settling back into how they’re supposed to be.

“So needy, fuck, haven’t even put a single _finger_ inside you and you’ve cum twice. Fuck, Bucky,fuck.”  Bucky grins a little disoriented for a second, but it’s all slowly coming back.

“Why _don’t_ you fuck me, Stevie?” He says sweetly, and spreads his legs as much as he can with Steve’s on either side of him.

“Haven’t gotten there yet.” He’s showing _incredible_ self-disciple, Bucky thinks, and he’s grabbing at Steve’s hair again, pulling a little and Steve’s hips jerk hard against Bucky and he’s gasping, little high grunts forcing out of his chest. He rolls his hips again, and Bucky give another little jerk before locking their lips together and swallowing the gasp that Steve gives.

“Want you to eat me out, too, huh, Stevie? Can you show a fella a good time?” Bucky’s saying when they break the kiss apart. Steve’s just staring at him, chest heaving, and he finally,

“Got yourself a fuckin’ dirty mouth, Bucky, huh?”

“Want you to make m’thighs _raw_ , that _beard_ , ‘s gonna force me t’sleep on silk sheets or something.”

“Bet you wish you _had_ silk sheets.” Steve answers, and he slides a finger into him. They don’t need to prep Bucky as much as the other way around, but _still_ , they’ve learned from their mistakes.

“I’m gonna get silk sheets.” Bucky answers, trying to spread his legs more, “Gonna fucking get them ‘cause you’re gonna eat me out _all the time_ if you keep that beard.”

“You’re going to need more than silk sheets. You’ll have t’get silk pants or something.” Bucky cocks an eyebrow, and chokes on his words as Steve shoves in a second finger,

“Sure T’Challa’s got so--- yeah, Stevie, yeah.” As Steve curls it, _just right_ , and Bucky’s reaching back to find some sort of purchase to grab a hold of to fuck down on Steve’s fingers, but he’s too far away from the headboard. “Back, up.” He can’t think of how to say it, but just reaches up above his head, and Steve seems to understand, and he’s grabbing a hold of Bucky, wrapping a hand around his back, pulling his fingers out, which leaves Bucky keening, and half-throws them the few feet up the bed, both landing hard and the entire bed rocks.

“Oh, _shit_.” Bucky’s saying, but he’s laughing, and Steve’s still got an arm wrapped around him, holding him closer than before, and his shirt is half tangled up, and it doesn’t really matter.

“You’re so beautiful.” Steve’s murmuring and Bucky remembers how that used to rub him the wrong way, dig under his skin ‘cause that’s how _girls_ look, and he’s _not a girl_. He knows, he always knew that Steve never meant he looked like a girl. He doesn’t mean that now. Steve notices how he stills just a little bit, and Steve’s quickly saying, “Sorry, didn’t mean --” Bucky doesn’t want this right now, doesn’t want to start apologizing, and just drags his hand through his hair, holding tight and kissing him messily.

“Don’t do that, it -- don’t bother me as much anymore. Don’t look anything like a girl anymore.” Steve’s moving, kissing down his neck, his beard dragging against his skin, and he’s not thinking about that for a minute.

“You’re so strong, always were.” Steve’s saying now, and Bucky drags his face back to his, kissing him and saying all the things he’s still not _strong_ enough to say outloud. ( I love you - I always have - thank you for not hating me - thank you for not telling anyone I couldn’t let know - thank you for loving me.) He doesn’t want to calm down, he still wants Steve to fuck him senseless, but Steve’s soft voice contrasts everything he’s been recently; high strung and worried and angry and his body is hard and tense.

“I’ll blow you, Stevie.” He says, he can’t do this, he wants everything to be rough and fast and just _hard_ , but Steve isn’t always like that -- he’ll let Steve flower him in compliments later, let him praise him and confirm everything. “You’re so tense, gotta relax, gotta cum a few times.” Steve’s laughing against his skin.

“What, that’s your advice?” Bucky finally shoves at Steve’s shirt, wanting it gone, wanting Steve’s clothes gone.

“Yeah, it is. Trust me, it always helps.” He says, and Steve’s unwrapping his arm from around Bucky, sitting back, and pulling his shirt over his head, and Bucky’s still (and probably always will be) jealous of Steve’s chest, the lack of harsh scars and the naturalness of it. (Even _if_ a lot o f it is because of the serum. Bucky wishes _his_ serum had helped his healing more than it does sometimes.)

“Fuckin’ lucky.” He’s muttering and trying to shimmy his pants off at the same time as he’s touching Steve, feeling his skin, desperate. Steve’s hands are calm on his thighs, tracing down until he reaches Bucky’s pants, and helps drag them off, tossing them away. “Get your fucking clothes off.” He’s ordering and Steve’s methodically shoving his pants off, taking his underwear with it, and has move off of Bucky, spreading his legs out in front and maybe it’s not as methodical as it is casual and familiar, and as soon as they’re gone and Steve’s completely naked, and Bucky’s shoving forward, pushing Steve back, straddling him and his hands are braced on Steve’s ribcage, the metal one glinting a little and cold against Steve’s skin.

“Bein’ careful, ain’t gonna hurt you.” Bucky’s muttering, and he still has to, _must_ , say that everytime, he know that that metal arm, even if it’s different than the old hydra one, could kill anyone with just the slightest lack of control. “Wanna fuck me or should I blow you, Stevie?” He lits his voice just a little too sickeningly-sweet.

He grinds down on Steve, and feels him twitch below him, and grins wildly, and Steve’s gasping, “I don’t know -- both, fuck.” He does it again, lets Steve feel him without really feeling him, and it feels nice for him, too, so it’s mutually beneficial.

“Want you to fuck me, sweetheart.” Bucky’s trying to lower his voice, make it deep and sultry, and he doesn’t know if he really succeeds, but Steve bucks against him, and he did something. “Can y’do that? Make a guy feel real good?” Steve’s groaning and Bucky’s fucking _ready._

“Yeah, please, c’mon.” Steve’s saying, “I always make my best guy feel good, always.” Bucky’s not letting nostalgia drip into his mind, but he always lets his heart set itself on fire when Steve goes out of his way to use male terminology. Call him a sap.

“Get yourself a condom and I’ll ride you.” Steve’s gaping at him, and pushing him back, off his thighs, and Bucky’s laughing, “A little eager?” But Steve’s trying to get a condom out of the box in the nightstand, and when he finally rips it open with his teeth, Bucky’s breathing catches at his tone,

“Yeah, ‘course I’m fucking _eager_ , been hard as a rock for like half a fucking hour.” It matches the intensity he’s been radiating for months now, and _holy shit_ , it’s hot.

He forces Bucky to move around, turn around, and Steve’s leaning back in the pile of pillows they insist on having on the bed, and reaches for Bucky, who scrambles to sit over Steve’s thighs again, right hand coming up to drag his fingers through the side of Steve’s beard, through his hair, and he latches it tight in his hair.

“Gonna take your shirt off for me? Want to see all of you.” Steve’s gruff, and he’s rolling on the condom, grabbing the bottle of lube and slicking up a little bit. Bucky had almost forgotten, and hesitates a little, the hem of his shirt brushing against his crotch a little, and he freezes for a second. “Ain’t gotta if you don’t want to, don’t worry.” _No_ , he can do it now. Not like -- before.

Bucky’s pulling back a little, and Steve’s head follows the touch of Bucky’s hand for a second, before it falls back again, and Bucky’s quickly pulling his shirt off, tossing it away. He knows his chest and his back is half ragged scars, and Steve doesn’t care. (He cares, even if Steve reverently kisses all of them and repeats over and over how handsome he is, how strong he is. He still stares in the mirror and wishes they’ll go away. Wishes he had Steve’s super human healing and then they’d go away and he could forget.)

“Ready for you, please.” He pushes himself up onto his knees, and Steve’s got a hand carefully holding onto his hips, and one lining himself up, and, _yeah_ , Steve probably could’ve fingered him a bit more, but he can do this. He can take it. He settles down, slow, and Steve lets him do it at his own pace.

His head is thrown back, and he’s gasping at the sensation, going slow, and Steve’s got both his hands solid on his hips.

“Bucky, look at you -- so fuckin’ good -- god, wish I could just stay here forever.” Steve’s rambling out, and Bucky grins at him once he’s fully seated, letting himself get used to it before moving. He’s letting his head fall forward again, watching Steve’s face. He makes to say something but can’t think of anything good to say, but instead experiments with moving, and Steve’s gasping.

Slowly he moves more, pushing up and down with more movement, and his thighs flexing only spurs Steve on. His hands move down from Bucky’s hips to grab hard at his thighs, feeling every movement of the muscle.

Steve’s quieting, not saying anything that’s really words, just gasps and moans, and his hands tighten on Bucky’s thighs when Bucky finally chokes out,

“C’mon, you’re makin’ me do all the work, big guy.” And Steve’s moving his hands back to Bucky’s hips, and he’s breathing heavy, “Are you going to fu ---- oh, fuck _!_ ” Steve slams into him _hard_ , causing his entire body to jolt, and he’s scrambling to get a hold of Steve while Steve keeps his hips moving fast.

“Good enough for you?” Steve grows, every word punctuated by a thrust.

“Jesus, Stevie, fuck --” He tightens his left hand a little too much, holding Steve a little too hard and he has to gasp out,

“Bucky -- your hand.” He notices - how does he even notice - and loosens the grip, and Steve’s flipping them over, Bucky’s left arm goes up above his head so he can hold solidly against the bed and Steve has his hands hot on Bucky’s hips, “Not going to last too long, you’re too handsome.” Steve’s teasing, how can he still tease? Bucky can barely think.

“I’m prone to that.” He gasps out, his right hand coming down between his legs, and he thinks maybe he can make himself come just before Steve does. “Please, _Stevie,_ please.” He’s so close, so close, he can feel it building, and Steve’s grunting with every thrust.

“You’re too much for me babe --” Steve’s gasping for air because Bucky finally pushes himself over the edge, every muscle clenching and Steve bottoms out, cumming right after, head dropping down, and Bucky’s jerking his hips a little, and they’re both coming down at the same time. Steve’s pulling out,  breathing hard, and his hair sticks up when Bucky removes his hand from the headboard and runs it through Steve’s hair. His other hand drops to the bed beside him.

“You good, ready to go again?”

“O _h my god_.” Steve breathes out and Bucky’s smiling wildly.

“I can still think, _please_ , _Steve_.” He’s exaggerating, moaning high and fluttering his eyelashes at Steve and Steve’s gasping at him, leaning down and kissing him deeply, and Bucky holds him there, a hand tight in his hair. Steve finally breaks away, gets the condom off, away from them.

“I _love_ you.” Steve’s whispering, leaning back down, a hand pressed into the pillows beside Bucky, and Bucky just grabs a hold of him, everywhere he can, pulling him down to kiss him and say _I love you too_ , but he can’t voice the words. They’re too flimsy in the too-large room; his actions are stronger, Steve can feel them. He does everything he can to make _I love you - I love you_ be felt through the kiss.

“ _Steve_ , come on.” He’s begging once Steve pulls away, and Steve’s moving too slow, running one hand up Bucky’s side. “Stop, _Steve_ , just, come on.” Bucky babbles, and Steve leans down, presses a kiss against the corner of Bucky’s mouth.

“So needy.” He mumbles, “Going to make you feel real good, Buck.” He kisses down Bucky’s neck, slow, _slow_ . And kisses at all the rough scars racing out from the seam on his shoulder, and Bucky can’t watch that, just pretends it’s _not_ what it is, and Steve’s just kissing normal, unmarked skin, but his lips feel _so good_.

And then he’s moving down Bucky’s chest, lips finally locking onto one of Bucky’s nipples, which causes a high-pitched gasp to leave Bucky’s throat and he slams his left hand down hard on the bed, “Fuck, _Steve_ , fuck.” He moves to the other one, and Bucky’s letting streams of words leave his mouth, “Please, if you don’t -- right now, I’m going to kill you. I will literally kill you, _please_ , Steve.” Steve hums against his skin and he’s getting out a whine, a gasp, and his hips jerk a little, trying to find wherever Steve’s leg is to get some sort of friction, but he can't find it. 

“You’ve got to learn patience.” Steve teases and Bucky glares at him,

“Oh, that’s fucking hypocritical, you ought to take your own advice.” He breathes out, lacking any of the harshness it might have. Steve’s kissing down his stomach now, down, _down_ . “I don’t want to be patient, Stevie, _please_.” Steve looks up at him under hair falling almost in his eyes.

“Yeah?” Steve says, “You can’t even be patient for me?”

“ _No_ , I can’t.” Bucky shoots back and Steve grins, and suddenly his mouth is on Bucky, and Bucky’s grabbing at the sheets with both his hands, and he barely knows what’s babbling out of his mouth, and he doesn’t even know how long it is before he’s shaking through his orgasm, Steve’s hands hard on his knees, keeping his thighs apart. It takes him a few minutes to _stop_ shaking, and Steve’s hands are gentle on his thighs until he’s able to focus again.

“That was good?” Steve’s asking and Bucky’s still trying to get his breath back.

“Holy _shit_ , holy shit, Stevie, _Stevie.”_ He’s breathing hard, and Steve’s pushing himself up onto his knees, and leaning over him.

“Didn’t rub your thighs raw, but I figure that’s okay.” Steve’s saying and Bucky has to roll his eyes,

“Jesus, I don’t care about that.” His eyes shut, and Steve’s kissing his neck again, and then he’s kissing him softly.

“Do you feel better?” Steve whispers against his lips. Bucky keeps his eyes closed and waits a long time before he answers, letting his chest fall back into its normal rhythm.

“I’m always good, Steve.” _No, you’re not, Bucky_. They both think, but neither say that.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” They say instead. Bucky pulls him back for another kiss, slow and careful. Then he’s pushing at him. “I’m going to go take a bath for five hours. Pull me out when all my skin is wrinkled.” He jokes, and Steve’s moving away to let him up.

“Also, Stevie?” He turns around before he gets all the way to the bathroom. “If you shave your beard, I’ll kill you.”

**Author's Note:**

> find me on tumblr @pavelanchekov. got a complaint? send it to my tumblr lol


End file.
